I am at the Warsaw Chopin airport way too early for my flight out, but you already know that. The check-in counter isn't quite open yet, and somehow, still being in Poland makes me feel that I can delay my heartbreak just a little bit longer.
It has been challenging to say goodbye again and again, each time more difficult than the last. Early on, when we have just known each other for a month, I told you that when the circumstances arise that you have to choose between you and me, I'd like you to choose you. Though I still know it to be the right decision, as it is true that I have to choose myself as well, it has become harder and harder to say it and truly mean it. I have become attached and enraptured by both you and the idea of you, that I now do not know the first thing on how to break away from that.
It almost feels like there is no good reason to let go, at the same time no good reason to keep trying to merge different personalities and separate lives. How can it be easy to let go when I love you so intensely and yet so quietly? I simultaneously want to coddle your human imperfection and worship your god-like purity. You are such a beautiful human being overflowing with innocence and enthusiasm and vulnerability. And you inspire me. And we look at the world with the same lens of truth, disrobing it of its superficiality and trying our best not to be caught in the trap of materialism-- so how can my heart not break when it feels at times that we are of one heart and mind?
And in spite of the anxiety that I feel over this separation, I am grateful that we have had this time. How fortunate we are to have met, and to have enough freedom in our lives to curate the days leading to our goodbye. We have had the sun and the snow and the rain, four countries, moments we stared into each other eyes that seemed to last a lifetime. I have known you, as you have known me, and we have broken barriers of our day-to-day perception. I had a vision of you, not once, but twice, as an old man. The instant I saw it, I had high hopes that it might mean I will be spending many years of my life with you. But just as quickly and without hesitation, I know that if it weren't the case, I would be just fine knowing you will live your life. How close and far you feel to me right now, and how my heart breaks knowing the distance will go further with each moment that passes by.
It is so beautiful that our best moments were private, like a secret you and I hold, a sacred space no one else can enter. Neither of us expected it, and neither of us owned it. Permanence may have never been the fate of our relationship, but its magnificence certainly does not fall short of that. While we may not have decades of everyday, we have shared what I believe is worthy of a lifetime.
We said hello, and look at what beauty was unraveled from that. We have reached the end of the road, and it is time to say goodbye. Continue to live, to take it one day at a time, to not let life defeat you, to always be brave, to keep that boyish smile. Please do that all the way to the end, until you become that old man I have envisioned in my mind.